I’m a writer so one would think blogs come easy.
Some do come in minutes and I can have 750 words in less than an hour.
Then I come across some that have me stumped for hours, for example, I started writing this one at 11:00 pm last night thinking I’d finish by midnight but at 11:45 pm I still only had the title.
It’s so difficult to put in words how I feel.
I wish I could touch everyone that is reading this and you automatically feel what I mean when I say “ my soul is full”.
I wanted to come sentimental yet witty.
I wanted to reflect and share my life experiences in a way that would trigger you to adapt some of the habits I’ve learned and promote growth in your life.
I thought of a whole bunch of fancy words to show you I went to college for this shit but I couldn’t find a single word to explain exactly how I feel.
I really want to depict the true essence of the experience I’m having in life right now so around 1:11 am I realized I had to give it to you raw.
I realized I had to show up as my true authentic self without the crutch of rich big words in order to represent the shift I’ve experienced. Year 27 hit hard.
The life I knew, came crumbling down around me.
If you’ve been following my blog, then you remember when I dropped “transitioning into a peaceful bitch” in September.
In September I had only been 27 for 4 months and well between me and you that’s when I lost my damn mind. That was the height of my downfall, so I thought.
That blog was me acknowledging I had to do something different.
I never really understood what people meant by they felt dark until that season of my life I mean I was lost.
I was alone and for the first time in 27 years I had thoughts like “ how am I going to eat, how am I going to keep a roof over my head” thoughts I just never thought I would have to think.
Growing up privileged you really don’t think “ if I don’t work I don’t eat or I’m my own responsibility” instead you think “ if I fail, my family got me” and they do but in September I learned the true definition of every (wo)man for themselves.
My family was fed up with my decisions and so I literally had no one to turn to.
Therapy was out of the question because of the cost so I got on my knees and said “ God if you’re real, please help me heal so that I never feel this empty again.”
I hate to say that like He was my last resort but he was.
Everything else proved to not work or be unavailable due to limited resources.
That night I cried myself to sleep but when I woke up it seemed as if God began to order my steps.
That next evening an old friend texted me and asked did I want to take a ride down lakeshore drive.
On that ride, she asked me “ do you want to heal or do you want to escape”. I was tired of running on E, tired of flying through life without purpose.
She assured me she would get up every morning and walk the lake with me and she’d be there for me thru the healing process, she had some of her own things going on so we were healing together.
She gave me a book ( The untethered soul) that changed the way I saw life.
She said it hurts now but when you get to the other side you’re going to be so thankful you actually did the work. Now, on the other side, I see exactly what she meant.
I know God sent her to me, I know He sent her to remind me there is more life to live.
Then we watched Life of Pi and the way he survived after being alone with a tiger, able to tell the story made me change my thinking from why me to why not me.
I use to feel like life was happening to me like everyone was out to get me.
I also use to feel as if I had something to prove for reasons still unknown.
I use to try to fit in circles that just weren’t designed for me.
To sum it up, I just use to do a lot of shit that wasn’t me.
Today is my 28th birthday, and I’m not finna get on my soapbox because I’m truly full but I’d be failing my assignment if I didn’t share the fullness I feel.
I found God, then I found me.
The more I search for Him the more I find my worth.
Being anchored in God reminds me to show up authentically and whoever doesn’t like it just isn’t for me and that’s ok because if God is with me who can be against me.
When we read something overly discussing God we pull back because we believe we cant follow Him and still live a fun life, like following Christ is boring.
If you want to pop pills and drink lean all day then yea, following God looks like a catholic school to you.
But if you want to live a meaningful life here and after here but you want to do it as you, meaning you don’t want to have to turn into someone else to do it then I’m telling you, you can be full too!
and before you start calling yo friends talking bout “ who the f***k Modi think she is” allow me to introduce myself, My name is Mariah Fair and I don’t have the blueprint on life, I’m not completely healed but I took the time, I’m doing the work to be who He has called me to be.
My morning afternoon and night routine still include weed I just don’t smoke outta backwoods anymore.
Ima still throw up gang signs but then explain to you the reason our communities need their protection and why we need to shift the focus and address us killing us instead of police killing us.
There are still a few things I went thru that greatly disrupted my soul but the scriptures tell me that all things work together for the good so I walk thru life with my head held high, wishing a weapon would!
I am not trying to be perfect the shit is too difficult.
I’m not even trying to be holier than thou promise I won’t and can’t judge you.
I am not trying to fit it cause the truth of the matter is I don’t and I just never will with the crowds I’m not supposed to.
What I am trying to do is share my experiences with you and how I have done a complete 180 by simply asking God to order my steps.
He allowed me to tap into his strength and showed me an idea to help me follow my dreams of helping others like me take control of their mind and live a joyful life.
I am proof of the healing power of God but I’d be remised if I told you to pick up your bible and pray.
I’d be sending you off if I told you in your darkest hour to find God and not give you a blueprint on how to do it.
I’d be doing you a disservice if I told you to find a therapist before showing you how to find out what’s going on with you by yourself.
There is no denying the help you need when you’ve hit rock bottom.
But in order to never get down that low again, you’ve got to want to heal for yourself before anyone can help you, you’ve got to help you.
I am opening a mental health book lounge named Soul Full that is determined to be your 3rd safe place.
A place you can come to learn about the things going thru your mind and disrupting your soul, in an environment that promotes healing and growth.
A place you can go and read a mindful book and have a cup of coffee, a smoothie, or enjoy some comfort food.
A place where you can talk about the negative thoughts that run through your mind without feeling embarrassed or ashamed. Soul full is a place where Souls come to reflect and connect.
Our soulful entertainment includes spoken word, panel discussions, live music, comedy shows, and much much more. I stalled on going to therapy so long because nobody really encouraged it at the time I needed it.
I also didn’t know exactly what was going on so I didn’t know how to articulate it, at Soul Full you’ll be able to talk with others about what you’re going through without judgment.
You’ll be able to read and find literature that speaks directly to your specific circumstance.
When I did go to therapy after my hour session, all these emotions came up and I was stuck with them until my next session.
At soul full, you’ll be able to expand your knowledge.
You’ll be able to get a better understanding of the terms they used and the conditions they gave you.
I know everyone isn’t into traditional forms of therapy like the couch.
Soul Full will be a central location for all forms of therapy.
You can get lost in books, connected with spoken word, release with karaoke, invested in our panel discussions, enjoy live music, hear public speakers speak, come see your favorite author at their book signing and so much more.
I’m proud to announce, Soul Full Chicago will open this fall in Pilsen.
From the bottom of my heart, I pray to see you there so that I can help you heal using tools that helped me heal.
By no means am I a professional therapist or mental health expert.
I‘m just a woman who’s been thru some shit and got thru it.
I’m so full I have no choice but to let my cup runneth over.
I brought you on a journey of my life to show you I’m no different from you, together we can get thru!
When you make up your mind that your life is up to you and healing depends on if you want to, then there is only wholeness ahead for you.
I love you all, and I look forward to healing with you and you better tell me happy birthday!
This past year has taught us if nothing else, our things tend to get in the way of what’s truly essential.1*
The things we buy to add value and meaning to our lives quickly became irrelevant.
We have entered a new world and no matter how hard we try the old world isn’t coming back… but do we want it to?
How do we navigate through this new normal?
This new world where material things are looked at for exactly what it is, just stuff.
Retail therapy may have worked in the past for a minute but will it now? considering all we’ve been through.
Of course, it’s nice to show off on Instagram but when you were in your house lonely for a year, did Instagram make you feel better?
Maybe it made you feel better but sometimes it made me feel worse.
What about those new shoes, did they comfort you when you had COVID-19 and you were scared you’d lose your life because so many have?
Those new shoes I got stared at me, untethered every second for the two weeks I had it.
How long will new shoes be new?
How many times can you wash and wear a shirt before it loses its initial intent of happiness that newness brings?
The truth is, things are nice to have and look at but things get old.
We learned that family is what matters, peace of mind is what’s important and Joy is what we should be searching for because happiness is based on something happening.
The comfort, serenity, and tranquility of where we lay our heads down is essential.
How do we continue to focus on what really matters?
How do we continue to Love People and Use Things when there is no mandate demanding we stay in our homes.
Well, I’ve got good news and bad news. The bad news is that we are in a crisis, the good news is that we are in a crisis.
A crisis exists as the intersection of danger and opportunity. 2*
If we are honest, the world we lived In before was beginning to suffocate us.
Everyone, in their own way, was trying to “ keep up with the Kardashians” no shade to them but that is their life, their path, and their thoughts displayed out loud.
The one thing we can never say about them is that they don’t value their family.
Let’s be real though, what attracts us to them is not their family values, although it’s an added plus, what makes us so intrigued is their things!
Do you know how I know?
Because when Kim showed her house and it was plain and not as extravagant as you’d expect the home of Kanye and Kim Kardashian West to look, she was dragged.
People were saying things like:
“with all that money you cant decorate your house?” and “ Kanye’s in the sunken place”
Comments like that show us where we were as a culture.
When she explained her reasoning for having a minimalist home, she got some praises but it wasn’t magnified as it should have been.
Her explanation acknowledged how busy, cluttered areas of your life can affect your mental health and a willingness to let go is one of life’s most mature virtues.3*
The crisis of the pandemic gave us an opportunity to reevaluate our priorities and really concentrate on the true essentials of life.
When I heard Kim’s explanation, it made me wonder if I could do that.
If I could be so determined to have peace of mind that in my own way, I’d become a minimalist.
The question I asked myself was, how can I adapt minimalist ways that will work for me?
At the time, the answers to that question seemed hard to find because I was not in the mental space to even attempt to tackle that battle.
I needed my things around me. I had to keep people around me regardless of how they treated me.
If you’ve been following my blog, you know I believe the pandemic helped me gain peace of mind.
It helped me eliminate a lot of ways, people, places, and habits that were no longer serving me.
I gained new habits and fell in love with old habits that died due to a busy lifestyle, like reading.
I thought I had it handled, that the life I’ve built for myself in the last year was the right path to becoming the best version of me.
They say remain a student, when you feel you know everything with nothing left to learn, you’re headed for destruction.
I see now what that saying means.
I came across a book that has truly touched my heart in the best way possible.
Love People Use Things, by Joshua Fields Milburn & Ryan Nicodemus better known as “ The Minimalists”, has added a road to my life that I thought was too complicated to go down.
They have made it so simple yet detailed you have no choice but to try it.
They have dedicated their lives to decluttering their lives and the lives of others to make room for the real essentials of life.
Their Netflix documentary is a visual gift for anyone seeking to live a more fulfilled and meaningful life but they have written something beyond a how-to book.
I’ve found that the best way for me to learn is to find someone who has successfully obtained what I am searching for and study the path they took.
If it seems obtainable, I take the lessons from their life and tailor them to my life experience.
The way The Minimalist has opened up to us about their life experiences and teach us how to capture the same serene yet practical life experience is truly beautiful.
This book is a step-by-step answer to the question I asked myself years ago and I’m so grateful I’ve found it. Personally, I hate going around the corner to get next door!
It comes out July 13, 2021, and trust me you have to treat it like we use to treat Jordan releases on a Saturday!
YOUTUBE
“Does my hair look ok?”
“Is my makeup blended right?”
“Is my pieces hitting the way the mirror suggests or is my iPhone telling the truth?”
“It took me 4 hours to find an outfit and oh f*ck, is he looking at my toes? I didn’t have time to hit the salon.”
“ Her outfit is so cute, man I feel underdressed maybe I should go home”
These are the circus of thoughts that run through my mind as my friends and I were sitting at the table at brunch during the first hot day of the year.
I mean I did hear something bout the world was about to open up but they also said this shit would only last two weeks and here we are hitting our 1 year anniversary of the global shut down so forgive me for thinking they were bluffing.
I was in the house for 1 year I did go a few places but then right back home .. Writing that is absolutely crazy but I’ve learned so much about myself that I didn’t know and I’ve gotten so much closer to God.
It’s an interesting experience getting to know yourself.
Don’t stop reading like I’m finna get on my single girl soapbox cuz this ain’t that.
I’m talking about getting to know what my heart desires and the vibes that make me thrive.
Getting to know what I like to do like the entities that touch my soul, I’ve been able to reach a level of peace that I never knew existed.
This year has shown me that my life and the outcome are up to me fully not just a Lil bit.
This year gave me an opportunity to check and check in with me for myself by myself.
Learning that I am in control of my thoughts liberated me to a point of no return.
But I also learned not every thought is mine so when I went out for the first time I had to redirect my thoughts of insecurities to my new views of clarity.
When I shifted my focus I was able to enjoy the day.
I even had a couple of drinks and literally mean two and after the second one, I couldn’t stop yawning.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m elated that we are kinda opening back up but I only got a few hours for outside in me these days.
I tried to hide it because nothing is more of a mood killer than a sleepy bitch especially when we were really having a ball with great laughs and stories of success full of passion.
I could tell we all became more aligned better business-minded individuals.
My thoughts from my old ways of thinking gave me anxiety about going back out into civilization after being put up for so long but my teachings from solitude helped me handle it like the G I always claim to be.
It’s not like I didn’t know better in the past, It’s that it registers different now.
I have some advice for you based on my first experience back out, as we go back into the hustle and bustle of life, remember who you became in isolation, remember what you learned, and show up as that person.
It’s refreshing to step back out and get some fresh air, be around good vibes and enjoy it but don’t forget the unfortunate but fortunate blessing this was.
Let’s be real it had a lot of heartache, grief, and pain but it gave us an opportunity to catch our breath.
Life is constantly changing and shit is always happening but this time allowed us to stop and focus on things that truly matter and as a whole we all became stronger.
So step out don’t forget your mask, pop yo shit, get fly but when you get the moment to exercise what you’ve learned I hope you choose the new you and tell the old you screw you.
