I’m a writer so one would think blogs come easy.
Some do come in minutes and I can have 750 words in less than an hour.
Then I come across some that have me stumped for hours, for example, I started writing this one at 11:00 pm last night thinking I’d finish by midnight but at 11:45 pm I still only had the title.
It’s so difficult to put in words how I feel.
I wish I could touch everyone that is reading this and you automatically feel what I mean when I say “ my soul is full”.
I wanted to come sentimental yet witty.
I wanted to reflect and share my life experiences in a way that would trigger you to adapt some of the habits I’ve learned and promote growth in your life.
I thought of a whole bunch of fancy words to show you I went to college for this shit but I couldn’t find a single word to explain exactly how I feel.
I really want to depict the true essence of the experience I’m having in life right now so around 1:11 am I realized I had to give it to you raw.
I realized I had to show up as my true authentic self without the crutch of rich big words in order to represent the shift I’ve experienced. Year 27 hit hard.
The life I knew, came crumbling down around me.
If you’ve been following my blog, then you remember when I dropped “transitioning into a peaceful bitch” in September.
In September I had only been 27 for 4 months and well between me and you that’s when I lost my damn mind. That was the height of my downfall, so I thought.
That blog was me acknowledging I had to do something different.
I never really understood what people meant by they felt dark until that season of my life I mean I was lost.
I was alone and for the first time in 27 years I had thoughts like “ how am I going to eat, how am I going to keep a roof over my head” thoughts I just never thought I would have to think.
Growing up privileged you really don’t think “ if I don’t work I don’t eat or I’m my own responsibility” instead you think “ if I fail, my family got me” and they do but in September I learned the true definition of every (wo)man for themselves.
My family was fed up with my decisions and so I literally had no one to turn to.
Therapy was out of the question because of the cost so I got on my knees and said “ God if you’re real, please help me heal so that I never feel this empty again.”
I hate to say that like He was my last resort but he was.
Everything else proved to not work or be unavailable due to limited resources.
That night I cried myself to sleep but when I woke up it seemed as if God began to order my steps.
That next evening an old friend texted me and asked did I want to take a ride down lakeshore drive.
On that ride, she asked me “ do you want to heal or do you want to escape”. I was tired of running on E, tired of flying through life without purpose.
She assured me she would get up every morning and walk the lake with me and she’d be there for me thru the healing process, she had some of her own things going on so we were healing together.
She gave me a book ( The untethered soul) that changed the way I saw life.
She said it hurts now but when you get to the other side you’re going to be so thankful you actually did the work. Now, on the other side, I see exactly what she meant.
I know God sent her to me, I know He sent her to remind me there is more life to live.
Then we watched Life of Pi and the way he survived after being alone with a tiger, able to tell the story made me change my thinking from why me to why not me.
I use to feel like life was happening to me like everyone was out to get me.
I also use to feel as if I had something to prove for reasons still unknown.
I use to try to fit in circles that just weren’t designed for me.
To sum it up, I just use to do a lot of shit that wasn’t me.
Today is my 28th birthday, and I’m not finna get on my soapbox because I’m truly full but I’d be failing my assignment if I didn’t share the fullness I feel.
I found God, then I found me.
The more I search for Him the more I find my worth.
Being anchored in God reminds me to show up authentically and whoever doesn’t like it just isn’t for me and that’s ok because if God is with me who can be against me.
When we read something overly discussing God we pull back because we believe we cant follow Him and still live a fun life, like following Christ is boring.
If you want to pop pills and drink lean all day then yea, following God looks like a catholic school to you.
But if you want to live a meaningful life here and after here but you want to do it as you, meaning you don’t want to have to turn into someone else to do it then I’m telling you, you can be full too!
and before you start calling yo friends talking bout “ who the f***k Modi think she is” allow me to introduce myself, My name is Mariah Fair and I don’t have the blueprint on life, I’m not completely healed but I took the time, I’m doing the work to be who He has called me to be.
My morning afternoon and night routine still include weed I just don’t smoke outta backwoods anymore.
Ima still throw up gang signs but then explain to you the reason our communities need their protection and why we need to shift the focus and address us killing us instead of police killing us.
There are still a few things I went thru that greatly disrupted my soul but the scriptures tell me that all things work together for the good so I walk thru life with my head held high, wishing a weapon would!
I am not trying to be perfect the shit is too difficult.
I’m not even trying to be holier than thou promise I won’t and can’t judge you.
I am not trying to fit it cause the truth of the matter is I don’t and I just never will with the crowds I’m not supposed to.
What I am trying to do is share my experiences with you and how I have done a complete 180 by simply asking God to order my steps.
He allowed me to tap into his strength and showed me an idea to help me follow my dreams of helping others like me take control of their mind and live a joyful life.
I am proof of the healing power of God but I’d be remised if I told you to pick up your bible and pray.
I’d be sending you off if I told you in your darkest hour to find God and not give you a blueprint on how to do it.
I’d be doing you a disservice if I told you to find a therapist before showing you how to find out what’s going on with you by yourself.
There is no denying the help you need when you’ve hit rock bottom.
But in order to never get down that low again, you’ve got to want to heal for yourself before anyone can help you, you’ve got to help you.
I am opening a mental health book lounge named Soul Full that is determined to be your 3rd safe place.
A place you can come to learn about the things going thru your mind and disrupting your soul, in an environment that promotes healing and growth.
A place you can go and read a mindful book and have a cup of coffee, a smoothie, or enjoy some comfort food.
A place where you can talk about the negative thoughts that run through your mind without feeling embarrassed or ashamed. Soul full is a place where Souls come to reflect and connect.
Our soulful entertainment includes spoken word, panel discussions, live music, comedy shows, and much much more. I stalled on going to therapy so long because nobody really encouraged it at the time I needed it.
I also didn’t know exactly what was going on so I didn’t know how to articulate it, at Soul Full you’ll be able to talk with others about what you’re going through without judgment.
You’ll be able to read and find literature that speaks directly to your specific circumstance.
When I did go to therapy after my hour session, all these emotions came up and I was stuck with them until my next session.
At soul full, you’ll be able to expand your knowledge.
You’ll be able to get a better understanding of the terms they used and the conditions they gave you.
I know everyone isn’t into traditional forms of therapy like the couch.
Soul Full will be a central location for all forms of therapy.
You can get lost in books, connected with spoken word, release with karaoke, invested in our panel discussions, enjoy live music, hear public speakers speak, come see your favorite author at their book signing and so much more.
I’m proud to announce, Soul Full Chicago will open this fall in Pilsen.
From the bottom of my heart, I pray to see you there so that I can help you heal using tools that helped me heal.
By no means am I a professional therapist or mental health expert.
I‘m just a woman who’s been thru some shit and got thru it.
I’m so full I have no choice but to let my cup runneth over.
I brought you on a journey of my life to show you I’m no different from you, together we can get thru!
When you make up your mind that your life is up to you and healing depends on if you want to, then there is only wholeness ahead for you.
I love you all, and I look forward to healing with you and you better tell me happy birthday!
Love is action
Love is spirit
Love is unconditional
Love is transparently naked
Love is growth and development at 7 and seventy 4
Love is letting go of fear
Love is worth crying over but you won’t experience tears
Love is gentle, not crushing
Love is come as you are or out you go and bests get to rushing
Love is just, for trust is a must.
Love is invasively aware
Love is dedicated devotion with no obligations just cognitive notions
Love is approbation and admiration
Love is a blissful elevation with effort and determination
“And you say you know what love is… but I swear you never seen it in your life”
Nobody talks about how hard it is to follow God’s path and still function in society.
Following God means to protect your thoughts and keep your mind on Godly things but how can I do that when I think throat baby is a love song.
I wish it were as easy as my ears don’t even vibe to shit like that but it ain’t.
The song actually got me thinking I want somebody to think this highly of me.
He said “ I shoot the world for you, I go to war for you” I don’t know about you but I want a man to choose me over everyone and if it gets hectic I want to be able to say “ my nigga will shoot this bitch up” if y’all wont admit it, I will.
Listening to music like that got me focused on a certain caliber of man, the world will have you thinking it’s one extreme or the other.
Hints “Future or Russell”
I know I’d run over a Russell and a future will run over me.
I want a Jay-Z, a man that understands the streets but knows he’ll get more out of life from being with me.
A soulmate should calm my soul not give me PTSD.
My soul needs peace and harmony.
My heart needs to beat calmly.
I don’t want to find myself at war with the person I’m lying next to.
I don’t want to have anxiety every time his phone rings.
I don’t want to think of different ways to one-up the man I let buss in my mouth.
I definitely don’t want to suppress how I feel from fear of an argument or knowing I won’t get the truth from the man I let hit raw.
I’m tired of sharing my energy, my deepest fears, and my biggest dreams with men who only tell me what they think I want to hear, do things they think I want them to do just long enough to get some.
They will have us thinking we on the path to marriage because they are homeless and horny.
It’s the promise of pussy that motivates a Fuck boy.
The saddest part about this is it’s something inside of me that’s attracted to attention and affection, not love.
How about I take it deeper. We search for the love we were given as a child because that’s all we know.
At this point in the blog, It would be predicted for me to tell you to love yourself first before you ask another person to love you and yes you should do that but what happens when you don’t know how?
When the morning affirmations not working and the self-care Sundays feel more like a mental asylum than a sanctuary?
I encourage you to stop everything, cut off the tv, turn the podcast and the playlist off, power off your phone and drop to your knees and surrender to God.
Disconnect with everything that makes you lose sight of the inner voice, his voice.
The music along with the memes that are out now are #disrespectfully fucking us up.
It is hard to cut off the hits.
Trust me, I want to throw up gang signs, twerk, and sing my heart out to the best of them but I know my mind is a sponge.
I know I’m in an extremely vulnerable state and I have to protect my energy on all fronts, so as tempting as it is to become throat baby to my favorite sneaky link I’ve got to cut that shit off and love on my mind.
Feed it positive images and sounds of love cause the reality is, I don’t know what love is and what better way to learn through the entity that created it.
Her and eye have a standing date.
4:30 and don’t be late.
She’s divine and committed.
We discuss dreams, him and sometimes them.
We explore love, trust, fear, and possibilities.
It’s personal, no pictures or invitees.
She’s influentially fluent in the language of me.
She affirms
Praying and worrying is asynchronous,
repair don’t despair,
And
honey tomorrow, do something with that hair.
She tells me to be a leech for knowledge then teach
and
whatever is in my reach complete don’t compete.
Before the sun comes up we agree to decree this meeting confidential
I told her yea, I don’t need nobody all up in my mental.
LISTEN TO “HER AND EYE” BY THE FIRE BELOW
HER AND EYE BY THE FIRE WITH MARIAH
