Nobody talks about how hard it is to follow God’s path and still function in society.

Following God means to protect your thoughts and keep your mind on Godly things but how can I do that when I think throat baby is a love song.

I wish it were as easy as my ears don’t even vibe to shit like that but it ain’t.

The song actually got me thinking I want somebody to think this highly of me.

He said “ I shoot the world for you, I go to war for you” I don’t know about you but I want a man to choose me over everyone and if it gets hectic I want to be able to say “ my nigga will shoot this bitch up” if y’all wont admit it, I will.

Listening to music like that got me focused on a certain caliber of man, the world will have you thinking it’s one extreme or the other.

Hints “Future or Russell”

I know I’d run over a Russell and a future will run over me.

I want a Jay-Z, a man that understands the streets but knows he’ll get more out of life from being with me.

A soulmate should calm my soul not give me PTSD.

My soul needs peace and harmony.

My heart needs to beat calmly.

I don’t want to find myself at war with the person I’m lying next to.

I don’t want to have anxiety every time his phone rings.

I don’t want to think of different ways to one-up the man I let buss in my mouth.

I definitely don’t want to suppress how I feel from fear of an argument or knowing I won’t get the truth from the man I let hit raw.

I’m tired of sharing my energy, my deepest fears, and my biggest dreams with men who only tell me what they think I want to hear, do things they think I want them to do just long enough to get some.

They will have us thinking we on the path to marriage because they are homeless and horny.

It’s the promise of pussy that motivates a Fuck boy.

The saddest part about this is it’s something inside of me that’s attracted to attention and affection, not love.

How about I take it deeper. We search for the love we were given as a child because that’s all we know.

At this point in the blog, It would be predicted for me to tell you to love yourself first before you ask another person to love you and yes you should do that but what happens when you don’t know how?

When the morning affirmations not working and the self-care Sundays feel more like a mental asylum than a sanctuary?

I encourage you to stop everything, cut off the tv, turn the podcast and the playlist off, power off your phone and drop to your knees and surrender to God.

Disconnect with everything that makes you lose sight of the inner voice, his voice.

The music along with the memes that are out now are #disrespectfully fucking us up.

It is hard to cut off the hits.

Trust me, I want to throw up gang signs, twerk, and sing my heart out to the best of them but I know my mind is a sponge.

I know I’m in an extremely vulnerable state and I have to protect my energy on all fronts, so as tempting as it is to become throat baby to my favorite sneaky link I’ve got to cut that shit off and love on my mind.

Feed it positive images and sounds of love cause the reality is, I don’t know what love is and what better way to learn through the entity that created it.

Do I beat this bitch the fuck up? Nah I can’t do that, I’m trying my hardest to come in peace.

Okay so just cut her off then, ain’t no coming back from that I’m thinking to myself as I’m pacing back and forth struggling to light my wood cause my hands are shaking uncontrollably so my 1st attempt at calming down is not working.

I mean out of all people, her? I cannot believe she did that shit to me… I loved her like a sister.

In mid-thought, I stop myself because I refuse to be sad over anybody ever again I don’t care who it Is.

Okay well then forgiving her and letting her go is the best solution for me right now, it’s about my peace and my sanity.

I have to be on zoom in an hour to talk about my novel, self-love, and confidence, and I’m still in my pajamas looking like the night before because I’m crying over something someone else did. 

I looked in the mirror and said you don’t have time for the melodramatics Modi dry your eyes and handle your fucking business.

There are a few people you think you can trust with every single detail of your life because you just know they would never betray you never disappoint you.

“Men come and go but your friends are forever…” they say… yea sometimes that’s true, sometimes you luck up and get the “girlfriends” life you know before they cut Toni but sometimes you gotta watch yo friends like you gotta watch yo man.

Who wants to live life like that? Always looking over their shoulders.

You know how hard it is to remind myself all day long

“ you got this shorty.. you are enough.. you are love and light.. you are a money magnet, (you know all the self-love affirmations)AND make sure I get SOME sleep cause lets be honest 8hours ain’t happening, pay attention to my business needs, eat at least 3k calories a day cause stress makes me lose weight and we know I can’t afford that, walk my dog, keep my hygiene up AND worry about if the people closest to me have my best interest at heart.

I’m exhausted after typing all of that. Life doesn’t wait until you’re over one traumatic event to throw another one at you. It piles it on all at the same time and you don’t have time to sit and wallow in your sadness.

You better throw your hair in a bun throw on something that hugs the curves and trust yourself.

Get to know you through and through and I mean get your inner pep talk game together.

When you feel like you at the bottom and you want to give up that’s when you stand up! Shower, smoke, burn some sage, and turn on some music.

Move your body, you have got to shift that energy until you’re able to deal with what’s heavy on your heart.

If you supposed to be at work don’t call off cause you’re sad, take yo ass to work and deal with your sadness when you get home. Life is really about how you react. He said they wouldn’t prosper, not that they wouldn’t form.

How’s your relationship with your mind? Does it control you? Or do you control it?

The world will make you feel like you have to suppress your feelings and be ashamed of them.

Like you have to hide your emotions.

You don’t have to hide, suppress, or ignore your emotions.

You do however need to come up with a trauma plan.

First, you need to acknowledge your emotions are triggered.

Everyone has a battle they’re fighting within but they are either aware or unaware.

When you’re aware you react differently.

Aware doesn’t mean you’re exempt from trauma and heartache.

That’s normally where the advice runs thin. They forget to help us come up with a step by step trauma plan.

They forget to tell us when they changed their mindset, shit didn’t stop happening.. they became in control of their mind.

In control enough to say yes that hurt but right now I have to go to work, I get off at 6 pm and I have to take my aunt some food.

When I get home at 7 pm I’m gonna pour some wine and cry my eyes out but I’m not going to stay there I’m going to give myself time to process this.

I’m going to ask those questions “ why she do that to me? Was I a bad friend? Was it me? Did I deserve that?” Crying is a release so yes by all means cry, let it out but once yo first glass of wine is gone you are done with that pity party shit.

I don’t care who did it or who fault it was it doesn’t change who you are.

“It’s on you it’s not in you.” Shake that shit off and turn on Columbiana.

Pull your strength from her when she watched her mother and father get murdered by the people she grew up thinking would protect her. That little girl wiped her tears and focused on her mission.

She waited until she got out of harm’s way to release.

She handled her business first then she felt all the hurt and pain.

Your strength has got to be stronger than your feelings.

Your inner pep talk has got to be louder than your demons.

Guess what little girl, you better buckle up and take the hits and I mean you gon have to eat them bitches.

Make sure your business is handled first cause on the real u ain’t gon get no peace or money being in your feelings and ain’t nothing cute about being broke.

Then when it’s safe and I mean you better make sure the coast is clear, lick your own wounds, comfort yourself then continue being the gangsta you are.

If everybody counts you out you still have to have the confidence of a Goddess with an army behind you “ I’ll stand alone before I give up” Your pep talk to yourself has got to be stronger than 6 friends hyping you up.

NO ONE will treat you better than you treat you….

You gotta have the mindset of Chris brown “ain’t nobody worried bout them… its always me” And wear it like a badge of honor it ain’t cockiness its confidence