The Switch Up
I have advocated for people’s voices to be heard all my life.
“ you don’t like something.. speak up” always the one to speak my mind during times of disappointment or anger.
“ you don’t have to worry about if I like you cuz I’m gon tell you” would be my motto.
Out in public when someone would disrespect me, my friends would be like “ uh oh they don’t know what they just started” but they would tune in like they had popcorn and 3D glasses.
So of course I gave them what I thought they were looking for.
I thought I was being real and transparent to give off the down to earth vibe.
I also thought I was giving them the courage to stand up for themselves.
I thought I was teaching them how to teach people How to treat them.
Sometimes I even thought it was funny to just fly off the handles at any given moment.
I thought people looked at it as feisty and cute. Come to find out, Mfs just looked at me as a funny emotionally unstable mess. That had me confused and honestly ready to fight.
Had me wondering if the people around me were around for the right reasons or just for a show they can talk shit about together.
So I became more like a character than a real person.
What was worse no-one was telling me I should change or seek help.
Nobody cared enough to identify it so I can fix the issue.
They just thought ok well Modi acted like a crazy bitch at the club last night so we just not gon talk to her for a few days.
After a few trips to jail, argument after argument with my parents, two failed relationships…
I decided to take control of my life because clearly, no one else was going to say anything other than “ that’s just Modi”.
Which was doing me a great disservice.
“ Now how you gon teach yourself not to be a crazy toxic bitch by yourself, Modi,” I asked myself in the mirror full of Patron. Right, how ima do that…
The very first thing that came to my mind was more patron.
After a pint, I realized that was not going to aid me only fuck me up even more cause is that bitch looking at my nigga?
Now I’m ready to fight this imaginary man stealer.
Okay…boom… So that’s a trigger… The next thought was to separate and heal…
you really can’t be in a relationship with anyone until the relationship with yourself is solid….
Ok but I’m still triggered by the sound of air so what now mighty Modi.
My friend suggested yoga and at first, I thought the poses would somehow miraculously calm me down because she was like
“Just leave it on the mat and everything will be better.”
People who have mastered peace make it sound so easy to achieve calmness but that shit is a struggle.
What works for them might not work for you.
Ok, fuck it let me just try it.
I pulled out my mat, found some black girls on YouTube, and got busy.
My first experience was the best high I had ever been on and I do designer drugs.
I let go of expectation which relieved me of my anxiety.
The poses were a bit difficult in hindsight but in the moment I only was focused on my breathing, the pain was non-existing.
I felt so in control of my life I knew I needed more! I went out and bought every book I could find.
I kept seeing “Life beyond the mat” meaning yoga isn’t about perfect posture
“ yoga is the practice of tolerating the consequences of being yourself” -Bhagavad Gita.
It is so hard being human, you have emotions you are told you can only feel in certain places.
People come in your life and disappoint you and you are left picking up the pieces they broke.
But what if none of that got to you. What if no matter what you were unbothered.
Once I got really into the history of yoga and the different kinds I sought out on this peaceful journey.
Shit, I feel like crazy cancers can be calming and centered too.
I’m not an expert by no means but I am a student and I’m loving every minute of transforming into a real peaceful non-problematic Modi.
God still working on me though so please don’t start no trouble with me.
August 20,2020
