Soul FULL
I’m a writer so one would think blogs come easy.
Some do come in minutes and I can have 750 words in less than an hour.
Then I come across some that have me stumped for hours, for example, I started writing this one at 11:00 pm last night thinking I’d finish by midnight but at 11:45 pm I still only had the title.
It’s so difficult to put in words how I feel.
I wish I could touch everyone that is reading this and you automatically feel what I mean when I say “ my soul is full”.
I wanted to come sentimental yet witty.
I wanted to reflect and share my life experiences in a way that would trigger you to adapt some of the habits I’ve learned and promote growth in your life.
I thought of a whole bunch of fancy words to show you I went to college for this shit but I couldn’t find a single word to explain exactly how I feel.
I really want to depict the true essence of the experience I’m having in life right now so around 1:11 am I realized I had to give it to you raw.
I realized I had to show up as my true authentic self without the crutch of rich big words in order to represent the shift I’ve experienced. Year 27 hit hard.
The life I knew, came crumbling down around me.
If you’ve been following my blog, then you remember when I dropped “transitioning into a peaceful bitch” in September.
In September I had only been 27 for 4 months and well between me and you that’s when I lost my damn mind. That was the height of my downfall, so I thought.
That blog was me acknowledging I had to do something different.
I never really understood what people meant by they felt dark until that season of my life I mean I was lost.
I was alone and for the first time in 27 years I had thoughts like “ how am I going to eat, how am I going to keep a roof over my head” thoughts I just never thought I would have to think.
Growing up privileged you really don’t think “ if I don’t work I don’t eat or I’m my own responsibility” instead you think “ if I fail, my family got me” and they do but in September I learned the true definition of every (wo)man for themselves.
My family was fed up with my decisions and so I literally had no one to turn to.
Therapy was out of the question because of the cost so I got on my knees and said “ God if you’re real, please help me heal so that I never feel this empty again.”
I hate to say that like He was my last resort but he was.
Everything else proved to not work or be unavailable due to limited resources.
That night I cried myself to sleep but when I woke up it seemed as if God began to order my steps.
That next evening an old friend texted me and asked did I want to take a ride down lakeshore drive.
On that ride, she asked me “ do you want to heal or do you want to escape”. I was tired of running on E, tired of flying through life without purpose.
She assured me she would get up every morning and walk the lake with me and she’d be there for me thru the healing process, she had some of her own things going on so we were healing together.
She gave me a book ( The untethered soul) that changed the way I saw life.
She said it hurts now but when you get to the other side you’re going to be so thankful you actually did the work. Now, on the other side, I see exactly what she meant.
I know God sent her to me, I know He sent her to remind me there is more life to live.
Then we watched Life of Pi and the way he survived after being alone with a tiger, able to tell the story made me change my thinking from why me to why not me.
I use to feel like life was happening to me like everyone was out to get me.
I also use to feel as if I had something to prove for reasons still unknown.
I use to try to fit in circles that just weren’t designed for me.
To sum it up, I just use to do a lot of shit that wasn’t me.
Today is my 28th birthday, and I’m not finna get on my soapbox because I’m truly full but I’d be failing my assignment if I didn’t share the fullness I feel.
I found God, then I found me.
The more I search for Him the more I find my worth.
Being anchored in God reminds me to show up authentically and whoever doesn’t like it just isn’t for me and that’s ok because if God is with me who can be against me.
When we read something overly discussing God we pull back because we believe we cant follow Him and still live a fun life, like following Christ is boring.
If you want to pop pills and drink lean all day then yea, following God looks like a catholic school to you.
But if you want to live a meaningful life here and after here but you want to do it as you, meaning you don’t want to have to turn into someone else to do it then I’m telling you, you can be full too!
and before you start calling yo friends talking bout “ who the f***k Modi think she is” allow me to introduce myself, My name is Mariah Fair and I don’t have the blueprint on life, I’m not completely healed but I took the time, I’m doing the work to be who He has called me to be.
My morning afternoon and night routine still include weed I just don’t smoke outta backwoods anymore.
Ima still throw up gang signs but then explain to you the reason our communities need their protection and why we need to shift the focus and address us killing us instead of police killing us.
There are still a few things I went thru that greatly disrupted my soul but the scriptures tell me that all things work together for the good so I walk thru life with my head held high, wishing a weapon would!
I am not trying to be perfect the shit is too difficult.
I’m not even trying to be holier than thou promise I won’t and can’t judge you.
I am not trying to fit it cause the truth of the matter is I don’t and I just never will with the crowds I’m not supposed to.
What I am trying to do is share my experiences with you and how I have done a complete 180 by simply asking God to order my steps.
He allowed me to tap into his strength and showed me an idea to help me follow my dreams of helping others like me take control of their mind and live a joyful life.
I am proof of the healing power of God but I’d be remised if I told you to pick up your bible and pray.
I’d be sending you off if I told you in your darkest hour to find God and not give you a blueprint on how to do it.
I’d be doing you a disservice if I told you to find a therapist before showing you how to find out what’s going on with you by yourself.
There is no denying the help you need when you’ve hit rock bottom.
But in order to never get down that low again, you’ve got to want to heal for yourself before anyone can help you, you’ve got to help you.
I am opening a mental health book lounge named Soul Full that is determined to be your 3rd safe place.
A place you can come to learn about the things going thru your mind and disrupting your soul, in an environment that promotes healing and growth.
A place you can go and read a mindful book and have a cup of coffee, a smoothie, or enjoy some comfort food.
A place where you can talk about the negative thoughts that run through your mind without feeling embarrassed or ashamed. Soul full is a place where Souls come to reflect and connect.
Our soulful entertainment includes spoken word, panel discussions, live music, comedy shows, and much much more. I stalled on going to therapy so long because nobody really encouraged it at the time I needed it.
I also didn’t know exactly what was going on so I didn’t know how to articulate it, at Soul Full you’ll be able to talk with others about what you’re going through without judgment.
You’ll be able to read and find literature that speaks directly to your specific circumstance.
When I did go to therapy after my hour session, all these emotions came up and I was stuck with them until my next session.
At soul full, you’ll be able to expand your knowledge.
You’ll be able to get a better understanding of the terms they used and the conditions they gave you.
I know everyone isn’t into traditional forms of therapy like the couch.
Soul Full will be a central location for all forms of therapy.
You can get lost in books, connected with spoken word, release with karaoke, invested in our panel discussions, enjoy live music, hear public speakers speak, come see your favorite author at their book signing and so much more.
I’m proud to announce, Soul Full Chicago will open this fall in Pilsen.
From the bottom of my heart, I pray to see you there so that I can help you heal using tools that helped me heal.
By no means am I a professional therapist or mental health expert.
I‘m just a woman who’s been thru some shit and got thru it.
I’m so full I have no choice but to let my cup runneth over.
I brought you on a journey of my life to show you I’m no different from you, together we can get thru!
When you make up your mind that your life is up to you and healing depends on if you want to, then there is only wholeness ahead for you.
I love you all, and I look forward to healing with you and you better tell me happy birthday!
