Toxic Love

When I met you, I was In recovery from another just like you.

The last one left me with unanswered questions, open and lonely.

My rebound treated me with respect, didn’t jerk me around, and leave me on the edge of my bed grabbing my chest gasping for air.

This one uplifted me, showed me a different way of thinking, and kept me calm.

This one didn’t have my anxiety in the blender at any given moment.

I was eager to leave anyone, anything, and anyplace to be in the presence of this new one.

My feelings were taken care of with this new one, but I always felt like something was missing.

That fire and excitement that the last one gave me left an impact so deep that I looked for those qualities in all the ones after but failed to find.

So forgive me, I was a little skeptical and guarded upon our introduction.

I was assured you would do me the same way but after the first date or rather, the pilot, I saw great potential in you.

You appeared to have my best interest at heart.

Like you enjoyed me as much as I enjoyed you.

Those nights I couldn’t stop my thoughts, you were there to interrupt, subtle and direct like a kiss on the forehead.

Slowly you filled the void I had.

You were always on my mind, there was no room for my safe rebound anymore.

We met at the end of fall beginning of winter, cuddle season.

I had found exactly what I was looking for.

I let my guard down because it looked like you would stick around for a long time.

I began canceling all my plans to spend time with you.

I left the holiday parties early to end my nights with you.

I was faithful, loyal, and dedicated to you.

It was me and you every winter for the past 3 years.

I learned the true definition of “ distance makes the heart grow fonder”

I knew you were coming back to me so that year wait in between did nothing but build anticipation for our next winter.

See, an addiction to your kind is dangerous.

You were my adventure, my spice and in a weird toxic way, you were my peace.

I could show up sexy or extremely comfortable and it still wouldn’t change the outcome with you.

No matter what I did and regardless of what I said, you already had your mind made up on how the night would begin and end with no help from Me.

I should have left at the first signs of an inconsistent vibe but I was hooked!

The moment you knew you had me exactly where you wanted me is when my interest no longer mattered.

You developed your own agenda and my feelings were just a casualty of war.

You waited until our last night together to tell me our time was up indefinitely!

When you decided to call it quits, I knew there was nothing I could do to sway your mind to think of me and what your absence would do to the way I live.

I was absolutely devastated.

I couldn’t sleep, food didn’t taste the same and my days lacked exhilaration.

Yes, all endings hurt but this is the second time I have invested my time into a tv series that has taken me on the ride of my life then abruptly canceled the show and now I have one million unanswered questions and emotional ties to all these characters.…

I know there will be another that I’ll get too emotionally involved in and have to go through the same cycle but I’m convinced there will never be another like that last one!

 I know I’ll go on and try to stay strong by not watching any new shows, it’s safer to stick to the classics.

Then one day I’m going to get word of a new suspenseful, mysterious, must-see TV show and I will fall into the same trap once again, and then it to will end.

The relationship roller coaster with toxic TV shows is truly a heartbreak like no other.

BY THE FIRE WITH MARIAH