The Block
Ears begin to burn,
eyes begin to water,
hands begin to shake uncontrollably,
eyelids begin to feel like bricks,
lashes begin to feel like spiders,
shoulders begin to fall and all hope begins to fade away.
It almost feels like someone is stabbing me in the heart.
Them“ but you’re a writer just start writing” me “ oh, yes why didn’t I think of that” and rolls eyes into the back of their head pushing theirs out so they can see from my perspective that, that shit ain’t easy.
No appetite, no time frame on how long this feeling will last.
It feels like my purpose has been stripped from me and I’ll never be able to write again.
For someone who suffers from depression and uses writing as an outlet, not being able to write is detrimental to my mental.
What am I talking about? A writer’s worse enemy, a writers first heartbreak, a writers attacker, yes WRITERS BLOCK.
I tried smoking to get the creative juices flowing and on normal occasions, this works but when writer’s block is alive and well smoking puts me to sleep.
Then I begin to think, what can I do to relax my mind? Oh I know, I can drink wine.
Then I find myself in the mirror with my ring light on trynna dance like Beyoncé “ tonight I’m gonna dance for youuuuuuu” singing and shit.
I tried driving from one end of lake shore drive to the other with the hope that the sound of the road will ignite that fire and make me pull over ( in Evanston of course) and write till I can’t write anymore.
Wrong! it made me want to curse everyone on there out because they don’t respect the lane I have paved out for myself.
When all else fails, my cancer ass results to crying. When I start, I can’t stop. Now I’m in the middle of a mental breakdown and everything hits me at once.
Now all I can think about is the mental breakdown and the fact that my eyes are red as fuck and actually shut because I smoked a whole 3.5grams and on top of that, I drank the whole bottle of wine and I’m probably gonna throw up soon actually, hold on let me run to the bathroom.
In the midst of throwing up, blowing my nose, and trying to stop hyperventilating I remembered what someone said to me, “ when you’re going through writer’s block, change the story, begin to write about what happens when you can’t write”
and so I did and here we are.
-March 19, 2019
